So often I have found myself directing my energy towards men. I mean in a relationship or just when I am interested in one of them. I’ve spent so much of my energy to try to feel what the other person feels, or trying to figure out what I have to be, or do, to stay in relationship. It is not a very creative generative space for myself. I start to mold myself into what I believe is expected of me. It doesn’t even have to be spoken that this is what the person really desires, or requires, or needs, or even wants! This is not an expansive thing for me to do.
I see so many people do this in their relationships or with their love interests. We do it in other relationships, too, like at work with colleagues or with family members, friends even.
What is it with relationships in general that keeps us doing that? We do it because of the lie of relating. We buy and believe that if we do not ‘relate’ to what others want from us, that we will not be seen, or loved, or acknowledged. We buy that we must do what they desire in order to create “good relationships”.
How’s that working for us?
Not very well for me!
After my divorce, I attended some interesting, life changing, Access Consciousness classes, and I asked a heap of questions around what I truly liked and wanted to create in my life. I realized that at this moment in time I’m not at all interested in creating that all over again. Instead of shaping myself around someone else’s desires, I’m having way too much fun creating things that are taking me forward.
Instead of creating that all over again with someone else, I choose to tend to what my body desires for grown up company, occasionally when the kids are with their father. And it works really well since the lover I have chosen for now is not either looking for a closed relationship based on the assumption of how it is supposed to be, so it really works.
And what I am noticing is all the fun stuff that I have time to create now. I’m having so much fun writing, for instance, that it should be illegal really 😉 Who could have known it could ever be so easy, light and soooo much fun! When I don’t distract myself with that lie of relating I have so much more free energy to play and create with.
Did you know the word relate means the distance between two objects? Kind of interesting, as it does not even describe anything that we believe that we would have from a relationship: connection, companionship, mutual respect, contribution even.
What if there were a totally different way of going about it, not bothering about expectations of what it should look like or be?
What would you like to have in a relationship? What would work for you? Or do you even want one?
You can ask yourself : can or will this person deliver what it is I desire? Can or will I deliver what that person desires?
Its really not a kindness to be wanting or trying to get something someone can’t or don’t wish to deliver. Its unkind to you to have expectations that have no chance of being met, it’s unkind to the other person.
One of the greatest gift for me since the divorce is actually NOT having a relationship. To not have the need to be validated by any one significant. To not wrap myself around someone else’s needs or even my ideas of that persons needs. And not going into the pre-set conclusions of being more normal or successful by having a relationship. It simply says nothing about me or my value as a Being.
The whole thing about trying to compute what I have to mold, mutilate or control to fit in to the relationship or wasting huge amounts of energy to think ahead to when we will see each other next time and all the conclusions and expectations and molds that means. – I’m saying no thank you! It is not working for me. The freedom of having my space, total choice and all the energy available to fun creating instead gives me so much joy and happiness.
You know the thing they say: ”What if the one you were waiting for – was you?”
I’s really true!
What if you had the best love affair you ever dreamt of – with you!
Would you be willing to care that much for you? Would you be willing to embark of the journey of finding out who you really are, under all the layers of adjusting and what you really enjoy and think is fun?
And even if you are in a relationship, what if you being You, doing things you love doing, would be the greatest contribution to your ”insignificant other.”
Yeah! I know we usually say it differently, but truth, which puts a wider smile on your face and gives you more space:
My significant other or my insignificant other or even my enjoyable other?
What if You being willing to discover what works for you can be the biggest invitation for you to actually create a phenomenal relationship?
Would you dare take the chance?
The processes and questions found in this text are from or inspired by Access Consciousness which was founded by Gary Douglas and Dr. Dain Heer, and among other things is a set of tools which assist people in becoming more conscious about the way in which they move through the world. You can find more information about Access by visiting www.accessconsciousness.com or by getting in touch with me.